Warning! This post is rated X. As in X-tra fun, X-tra exciting, and is considered a little X-tra grown up and an X-tra must do for all you who are married to a minister! This past Saturday I had some errands to run, and to my great joy, no children came and I went ALONE!Yes, it was then that I turned my radio up, put my air on full (which isn't hard to do being in south Texas), and drove with a fierce attitude that made me feel like I was in a sports car! I said 'like' a sports car. I have a mini van. Yes, I work that mini van and I look good in it! (P.S. Soccer moms rule! :)) I was having a great time singing along with the radio. I started singing a love song, and it made me think of my husband.
Do you know this past June marked our 18th wedding anniversary? Marriage to any person can have its own set of challenges. Tommy Nelson in his book Song of Solomon talks about marriage and the joys and pit falls couples have. It is a great read. You can also check it out on the web. Pastor families are not immune to pitfalls. When we aren't busy being holy 24 -7 we may fight um-er discuss our finances, children, want for children, and a myriad of other regular folk issues that come knocking on our home life. However, I've heard it said that some pastor families even fight about church! But since that isn't you, thanks for reading the blog and I will see you later!
... Oh, are you still here? Well, since I am one of those families and you must be too, let's keep going.:) Hey, do you know that it is pretty normal to have church as a major part of your lives and conversations? You are the pastor family cheer squad yelling out to the community, "GIVE ME A C(c), GIVE ME AN H(h), GIVE ME A U(u), GIVE ME AN R(r), GIVE ME ANOTHER C (c), AND GIVE ME AN H(h)... WHAT'S THAT SPELL?" And the community yells back, "Something we like go to if we aren't at the lake this Sunday!" :) Just Kidding! Hey we all have amazing folks who serve. I am truly blessed in that area. We are still relating to people. People who just like us have real hurts and needs. We all have folks who come to church and are just hard to work with. If you have ever felt like you have wanted to hand your husband a hard hat to get through the post service hand shake or special meeting, then you know what I am talking about. At this point I think, "Why do I give him any trouble at all?" He is busy doing God's work and I need to support him anyway I can." Then I remember... "Mr. Holy" hasn't mowed the lawn in two weeks and the toilet still doesn't flush well! I tell him how important these things are and he has the nerve to reply that he has been really busy at the church! I then remind him of that great scripture found in 1st Debbie-Hesitations that states... "Our family needs you more! So what-cha gonna do for us Mr.? Huh?" Okay, that isn't a real scripture. I made it up, but when I quote it - it sounds very official. Actually, Randy and I don't really fight that much about church. He has a pretty healthy balance between family and work. There have been times, especially early in our marriage, where we had to work through some rough moments, but I think we have learned some valuable lessons. So, LET THE FUN BEGIN!!!
Rated X Couple Advice for Pastor Families:
1- Pray X-tra hard. Do you know what the number one best thing my husband has ever done hands down about his ministry? Not he, but WE PRAY for each calling God has led either of us to do. That is the singularly most powerful weapon in our ministry. When we have felt led to go, we pray. Do you know why that is so awesome? Because when I am overwhelmed, or hurt and I call it "his ministry", he reminds me that WE PRAYED and were in agreement to come. Do you know what that does for me? It makes me feel like he is right! His ministry wasn't forced on me. There was no announcement and like a dutiful wife I followed. WE PRAYED. WE felt God's call. WE came. So take that Satan! We a band of 3 (God and us) are in agreement. Prayer is powerful. Don't stop praying together. Maybe you're mad at your husband or you just don't pray together much. Pray anyway. Pray alone... together... just pray. Times may get hard. God is NOT saying, "Sorry bud you are on your own." Instead, God tells us to ask. And how does He give? He gives ABUNDANTLY. Start with prayer.
2- Take X-tra time just for you two. Set time for just you two. Now if you are going to complain about how you can not do that because you have preschoolers. Let me just say... you will get no sympathy here. I have had at least one preschooler in my home for the past 14 almost 15 years of my marriage. True, the clouds have parted and my teenagers help watch #4 so dad I can go out. Still, teens are busy and catching them to help can be tricky at times. So, put them all to bed early and go on a date in your room, or outside, or watch a movie! Some churches have what they call connection cards. The cards are meant to connect people to ministry. You signed a verbal connection card when you married. You promised to love, honor, and cherish each other. Let me just tell you, you will feel a lot less angry about him serving if you are cherishing each other. So make your time together a priority. Go to lunch, or wake up early on Mondays. Make the time.
3- Be X-tra brave, counseling isn't for sissies! Once, I was at a pastors forum led by Rick Warren. I could not tell you the 10 plans for starting strong, or what every church needs on Sunday morning. What I do remember is what he said about his relationship with his wife. He told those pastors to work hard on their marriage. He said that when they were first starting out, his wife and he were in a rough place relationship wise. He said that they maxed out their card getting counseling (or something to that effect). His point was do whatever it takes to be strong at home so you can be strong in your ministry. Go to a marriage retreat, talk to an older pastor couple, or get counseling! Getting healthy is brave and scriptural.
1 Timothy 3 talks about what a leader looks like.
4. Both should be X-tra supportive: I was at a church planter's wives retreat one time, and this wife was complaining about how much time the church plant took. All the young wives were thinking, "Preach it sister!" All, but the older wife who was years down the road. She said, don't hate this sowing time in your ministry. Support him. If you were starting a business, or doing anything from scratch or for the first time, you would need to invest to see a harvest later. She knew what she was talking about because she and her husband are really blessed by their early years of ministry. When I went to a conference last February, Ed Young Jr. held up a bottle of Gatorade. On it he replaced the label and it said "Hatorade". It was funny. He went on to talk about not listening to the three folks who are complaining when you have a congregation full of folks who are not drinking the Hatorade. :) Look, it can be hard, but don't drink the Hatorade to your husband about the church. If you have concerns remember that a gentle answer turns away wrath. Find a way to support each other. Speak your needs, meet each others needs, but respect what you have both been called to do. We no more want our spouse to criticize us for what we do or don't do than they do us.
You are NOT X-Tra. When the church hired your spouse you wore your nicest outfit and smiled for the cameras. I like to say that pastor spouses have a calling, but no job description. That may or may not be true, but one thing I do know is that being the pastor's spouse is most definitely not your only ministry. Guess who also is a child of God and has a ministry? It is you! You are important! Your ministry is not confined to jobs no one else wants to do. You have a calling, a ministry all your own!!!!!! Isn't that great? We have a place! Maybe we serve a lot or a little but we have a place. If you serve a little don't do that out of anger. Maybe you have a special need that keeps you from serving, and that really is understandable. My friend who is a pastor's wife has three children. One of them has an ongoing life challenge. She is busier than I am at times. That is saying a lot! And don't serve so much that you become an angry - servant. Truth is there is never a balance, but remember who you serve. Here is a hint it isn't your husband or the church. If you have no clue what to do than make horrible, sloppy, messy trials and mistakes till you do know where your fit is in church. We are meant to worship the Lord and one of those very important ways is to tell others. How do I know it is? It was the last thing Christ said as he went to heaven. Serving is both our worship and our declaration to others of our loving God.
Give that X-tra that only you can: Guess what? Black lace, candles, and alone time never make anyone want to talk about the church. :) Time together brings needed intimacy and makes your marriage strong. My web site is pretty G rated, but please let me say this to you. Sex is the one thing that only you two can share. No deacon or elder meeting can vote against it. No one, including you, should shy away from the power of being together. There are moments when we all do this poorly. "I have been working all day, and I had kids, and blah - blah -blah." You need to be sensitive to each others timing and needs. With that said, I discovered something powerful. Love making isn't a duty, it is something for both of us to enjoy. It is like staring at the same glass filled halfway and instead of seeing the problem with the half you can't drink you see glory of the half you can. That is what I was doing when I was listening to the song on the radio the other day. It was a love song, and I was thinking about my husband whom I love very much and the gift we have in our marriage. Husbands need sex. In fact, it is one of their top needs. Women need emotional love to show love. Why did God design us like this? Hey, it is on the top of my list to ask when I get in heaven. I would say this, I think that sex is the most emotional way a man can show himself. I think when a man makes love to his wife he is putting himself out there and asking you his wife to accept him at his most emotional and vulnerable level. And here is the kicker. When love is a part of love making, it is at its finest and the two of you are unstoppable in many ways.
I bet you have found great ways to celebrate your marriage. What do you do to keep your marriage strong? Maybe you are hurting right now. E-mail me. It is on my contact information. What have you done or are doing to make being married to your pastor husband the best it can be? What is he doing? Work at loving each other and you'll love the pastor you married.
"How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love with your delights!"
Song of Solomon 7:6
Do you know this past June marked our 18th wedding anniversary? Marriage to any person can have its own set of challenges. Tommy Nelson in his book Song of Solomon talks about marriage and the joys and pit falls couples have. It is a great read. You can also check it out on the web. Pastor families are not immune to pitfalls. When we aren't busy being holy 24 -7 we may fight um-er discuss our finances, children, want for children, and a myriad of other regular folk issues that come knocking on our home life. However, I've heard it said that some pastor families even fight about church! But since that isn't you, thanks for reading the blog and I will see you later!
... Oh, are you still here? Well, since I am one of those families and you must be too, let's keep going.:) Hey, do you know that it is pretty normal to have church as a major part of your lives and conversations? You are the pastor family cheer squad yelling out to the community, "GIVE ME A C(c), GIVE ME AN H(h), GIVE ME A U(u), GIVE ME AN R(r), GIVE ME ANOTHER C (c), AND GIVE ME AN H(h)... WHAT'S THAT SPELL?" And the community yells back, "Something we like go to if we aren't at the lake this Sunday!" :) Just Kidding! Hey we all have amazing folks who serve. I am truly blessed in that area. We are still relating to people. People who just like us have real hurts and needs. We all have folks who come to church and are just hard to work with. If you have ever felt like you have wanted to hand your husband a hard hat to get through the post service hand shake or special meeting, then you know what I am talking about. At this point I think, "Why do I give him any trouble at all?" He is busy doing God's work and I need to support him anyway I can." Then I remember... "Mr. Holy" hasn't mowed the lawn in two weeks and the toilet still doesn't flush well! I tell him how important these things are and he has the nerve to reply that he has been really busy at the church! I then remind him of that great scripture found in 1st Debbie-Hesitations that states... "Our family needs you more! So what-cha gonna do for us Mr.? Huh?" Okay, that isn't a real scripture. I made it up, but when I quote it - it sounds very official. Actually, Randy and I don't really fight that much about church. He has a pretty healthy balance between family and work. There have been times, especially early in our marriage, where we had to work through some rough moments, but I think we have learned some valuable lessons. So, LET THE FUN BEGIN!!!
Rated X Couple Advice for Pastor Families:
1- Pray X-tra hard. Do you know what the number one best thing my husband has ever done hands down about his ministry? Not he, but WE PRAY for each calling God has led either of us to do. That is the singularly most powerful weapon in our ministry. When we have felt led to go, we pray. Do you know why that is so awesome? Because when I am overwhelmed, or hurt and I call it "his ministry", he reminds me that WE PRAYED and were in agreement to come. Do you know what that does for me? It makes me feel like he is right! His ministry wasn't forced on me. There was no announcement and like a dutiful wife I followed. WE PRAYED. WE felt God's call. WE came. So take that Satan! We a band of 3 (God and us) are in agreement. Prayer is powerful. Don't stop praying together. Maybe you're mad at your husband or you just don't pray together much. Pray anyway. Pray alone... together... just pray. Times may get hard. God is NOT saying, "Sorry bud you are on your own." Instead, God tells us to ask. And how does He give? He gives ABUNDANTLY. Start with prayer.
2- Take X-tra time just for you two. Set time for just you two. Now if you are going to complain about how you can not do that because you have preschoolers. Let me just say... you will get no sympathy here. I have had at least one preschooler in my home for the past 14 almost 15 years of my marriage. True, the clouds have parted and my teenagers help watch #4 so dad I can go out. Still, teens are busy and catching them to help can be tricky at times. So, put them all to bed early and go on a date in your room, or outside, or watch a movie! Some churches have what they call connection cards. The cards are meant to connect people to ministry. You signed a verbal connection card when you married. You promised to love, honor, and cherish each other. Let me just tell you, you will feel a lot less angry about him serving if you are cherishing each other. So make your time together a priority. Go to lunch, or wake up early on Mondays. Make the time.
3- Be X-tra brave, counseling isn't for sissies! Once, I was at a pastors forum led by Rick Warren. I could not tell you the 10 plans for starting strong, or what every church needs on Sunday morning. What I do remember is what he said about his relationship with his wife. He told those pastors to work hard on their marriage. He said that when they were first starting out, his wife and he were in a rough place relationship wise. He said that they maxed out their card getting counseling (or something to that effect). His point was do whatever it takes to be strong at home so you can be strong in your ministry. Go to a marriage retreat, talk to an older pastor couple, or get counseling! Getting healthy is brave and scriptural.
1 Timothy 3 talks about what a leader looks like.
4. Both should be X-tra supportive: I was at a church planter's wives retreat one time, and this wife was complaining about how much time the church plant took. All the young wives were thinking, "Preach it sister!" All, but the older wife who was years down the road. She said, don't hate this sowing time in your ministry. Support him. If you were starting a business, or doing anything from scratch or for the first time, you would need to invest to see a harvest later. She knew what she was talking about because she and her husband are really blessed by their early years of ministry. When I went to a conference last February, Ed Young Jr. held up a bottle of Gatorade. On it he replaced the label and it said "Hatorade". It was funny. He went on to talk about not listening to the three folks who are complaining when you have a congregation full of folks who are not drinking the Hatorade. :) Look, it can be hard, but don't drink the Hatorade to your husband about the church. If you have concerns remember that a gentle answer turns away wrath. Find a way to support each other. Speak your needs, meet each others needs, but respect what you have both been called to do. We no more want our spouse to criticize us for what we do or don't do than they do us.
You are NOT X-Tra. When the church hired your spouse you wore your nicest outfit and smiled for the cameras. I like to say that pastor spouses have a calling, but no job description. That may or may not be true, but one thing I do know is that being the pastor's spouse is most definitely not your only ministry. Guess who also is a child of God and has a ministry? It is you! You are important! Your ministry is not confined to jobs no one else wants to do. You have a calling, a ministry all your own!!!!!! Isn't that great? We have a place! Maybe we serve a lot or a little but we have a place. If you serve a little don't do that out of anger. Maybe you have a special need that keeps you from serving, and that really is understandable. My friend who is a pastor's wife has three children. One of them has an ongoing life challenge. She is busier than I am at times. That is saying a lot! And don't serve so much that you become an angry - servant. Truth is there is never a balance, but remember who you serve. Here is a hint it isn't your husband or the church. If you have no clue what to do than make horrible, sloppy, messy trials and mistakes till you do know where your fit is in church. We are meant to worship the Lord and one of those very important ways is to tell others. How do I know it is? It was the last thing Christ said as he went to heaven. Serving is both our worship and our declaration to others of our loving God.
Give that X-tra that only you can: Guess what? Black lace, candles, and alone time never make anyone want to talk about the church. :) Time together brings needed intimacy and makes your marriage strong. My web site is pretty G rated, but please let me say this to you. Sex is the one thing that only you two can share. No deacon or elder meeting can vote against it. No one, including you, should shy away from the power of being together. There are moments when we all do this poorly. "I have been working all day, and I had kids, and blah - blah -blah." You need to be sensitive to each others timing and needs. With that said, I discovered something powerful. Love making isn't a duty, it is something for both of us to enjoy. It is like staring at the same glass filled halfway and instead of seeing the problem with the half you can't drink you see glory of the half you can. That is what I was doing when I was listening to the song on the radio the other day. It was a love song, and I was thinking about my husband whom I love very much and the gift we have in our marriage. Husbands need sex. In fact, it is one of their top needs. Women need emotional love to show love. Why did God design us like this? Hey, it is on the top of my list to ask when I get in heaven. I would say this, I think that sex is the most emotional way a man can show himself. I think when a man makes love to his wife he is putting himself out there and asking you his wife to accept him at his most emotional and vulnerable level. And here is the kicker. When love is a part of love making, it is at its finest and the two of you are unstoppable in many ways.
I bet you have found great ways to celebrate your marriage. What do you do to keep your marriage strong? Maybe you are hurting right now. E-mail me. It is on my contact information. What have you done or are doing to make being married to your pastor husband the best it can be? What is he doing? Work at loving each other and you'll love the pastor you married.
"How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love with your delights!"
Song of Solomon 7:6
Great post written with sincerity and humor. I'm passing it on.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! We just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary. That is a lot of years putting those "x's" into practice." :)
ReplyDelete