The Opposite Sex and and Your Husband the Minister

The other day I did the dumbest thing! A while ago, my husband and I had some work done at our home. The man who did the work goes to our church. I told my husband we needed to pay the man. My husband said, "You need to make sure we pay him." It was Saturday, and I knew we would see him at church on Sunday. I didn't want to exchange money at church so I texted him to see if I could stop by, with my son, and pay him later on Sunday afternoon. Here is how the texting (all from me) went down:

Text #1: Hey "friend", I would like to come by late tomorrow and pat you. Would 4ish be a good time? - Deb

Text #2: Oh my gosh! Pay you, not pat you. Ugh!

Text #3: Pay, pay, pay!!!

Text #4: Rumors! :)

Are you laughing? I am too... now! I keep thinking, "What if I hadn't reread my text and discovered the wrong word?" He could have gotten that text and thought crazy stuff about me. I would be chasing him around church trying to get an answer and he would be running away for, what he thought, was his life. Of course I quickly told my husband, and he told me that friend doesn't receive texts... thank you Jesus!

Randy and I have been in ministry for over 20 years. 18 of those years have been as a married couple. I really appreciate Randy. Together we have developed some non-negotiables in our ministry and marriage when it comes to the opposite sex. Here are some things we seek to maintain.

1. He never counsels a woman alone. He always brings in another woman, or he has another woman mentor her. If a lady does come to his office, he makes sure other staff are around. Otherwise, the lady has to come back, or they talk outside and he works to refer her to another woman. He keeps his door open if a woman comes in the room.
2. If a lady is on staff and it is just he and she working, he switches the time he is there with her time. If they have to be there at the same time he leaves all the doors open in the building (except the outside door of course). He also calls me.
3. He never hugs a person from the front. If he does hug them, it is a side hug.
4. We have a filter on our home computer, and we have a pass word that I know.
5. He doesn't eat out with just one person of the opposite sex. I either come along, or he has another person with him.
... all of these apply to me as well.

Our friends used to tease us about Randy's "rigidness" until one day a mutual pastor friend was accused of impropriety. Whether or not it happened, our friend opened himself up to scrutiny because he had not taken steps to protect himself. Mutual friends called Randy and said they understood why he was like that now. People of the opposite sex have to work together. Mama's and Daddy's have to pay bills. You may need to talk about what works best for you in your work environments as well as your personal life. A friend of mine doesn't accept men on her face book page.

Randy doesn't keep these standards because I, his wife, am a raging lune. Randy does this because he chooses to honor me and honor our marriage. In all honesty, he came up with these standards. Because he is like that, I trust him. It gives peace in an area that should promote peace.

I was at a pastor's wives' retreat one time. A very brave woman stood up and shared her husband had not honored her. He had become addicted to porn. He had to step down from his ministry. They were working it out. I hope they did. God is the ultimate physician and can heal all wounds. Another pastor's wife at another time asked me if I thought it was okay that her husband was counseling this woman who was going through a divorce? The pastor's wife asked him to stop, because he was going to the other woman's home a lot, and at all times of the day. It wasn't that it was wrong for the pastor to minister to someone who was hurting. It was where and how he was going about it. Every man and woman are important in the church. Pastors need to find a way to minister to all. At times that means with or through others. The pastor can often be the first contact for anyone hurting, but he doesn't have to be the last. We are a church, a BODY of Christ. His wife had a bad vibe, and he basically said to her that he didn't care and he was going to go to that lady's home anyway. What do you think I said? My answer started with no, and ended with "get another pastor in your church to talk to him." I knew a pastor's wife who ran away with another man. Both people in a relationship need to guard their marriage.

Sometimes other women look at the pastor and think they are HOT!
He is always smiling
Oh so Godly
Trustworthy
These traits put him, for some, at the top of the emotional food chain. By the way, pastor's wives can be perceived as HOT too...
Hold their tounge (never says a mean thing)
Open and helpful
Takes care of others
Hopefully both are HOT, but pastor families are also human. That is why it is so important to have standards in any marriage when interacting with the opposite sex.

Finally, you need standards in your love life. Standards like:
1-I will go on dates my spouse.
2- I will go to 4th base with my spouse, often!
3- We will be brave enough to talk about our needs, and seek to meet them.
4- We will seek to give words that affirm each other.
5- Mainly, we will let God lead the marriage so when 1 through 4 is less than perfect we can seek God for answers and obey his call to love, and serve each other.

There are some great books out there for marriage:
His Needs Her needs
The Five Love Languages
The Song of Solomon (book by Tommy Nelson)
Every  Man's Battle also Every Woman's Battle

Marriage takes effort. Setting standards with the opposite sex makes marriage and ministry so much better. Having God in charge of your marriage brings grace, forgiveness, love, and a desire to honor. Seek a great marriage, and you will find one.


Titus 1:6 "An elder must live a blameless life. He must be faithful to his wife..." (NLT)