Feelings... Nothing More than Feelings

This past week end a good friend called me. She used to live in San Marcos (my home town). Her son and my son were big buddies! They used to go to each others homes at least 4 times a week. They were very young (preschool years). My friends moved, and have lived in another town for years. Yet, whenever they visit the boys still pick up right where they left off. Of course, I want each visit to be great. So, this time I thought I was evoking fond emotions as I reminded Sean of the fun they used to have. Little did I know it was having quite the opposite effect. I was going on about a fun event and Sean stopped me in mid sentence and said, "Mom, you are ruining it with feelings!" Wow! I laughed and thought once again how very different boys are from girls.

I think most women appreciate feelings in general. It is why we know that a Slurpee is needed after a bad try out, or a memory reminds us to call our mom, or why every woman takes a big happy sigh when I mention the movie Sleepless in Seattle. :) I believe feelings have a place in our lives. They can motivate us to make the extra effort for ourselves and for others. Surprisingly, there are times when our feelings can be harmful to our calling as a pastor's wife.

I was watching the Today Show last Tuesday. Elizabeth Edwards was being interviewed about her book. Matt Lauder asked her about some negative comments those close to her former husband's campaign had made about her. They had called her a shrew and made some other harsh remarks. I really liked her response, and I really felt like it resonated. She said that she never would want anyone to think of her like that. She said when she worked on the campaign she thought she was working as an equal... just like any other person. She was trying to share her ideas with the same passion everyone else was. What she didn't realize is that they saw her as the bosses' wife.

Has that ever happened to you? Everyone is sharing ideas and somehow you forget you are not an equal... you are the bosses' wife. Maybe it is easy to forget because somehow being the bosses' wife doesn't seem so glamorous when you are scrubbing the church toilet, or picking up trash 30 minutes after everyone is gone, or filling in - in whatever/ wherever someone needs for you and from you that day. How do you say to someone... my extended family lives hundreds of miles away... I have followed God with my family to this town... and I eat and breath for this church to grow and reach others for Christ... and you are mad at me because I asked you to get the donuts this one week... or you are mad because I think we should put a vanilla scent in the girls bathroom and you wanted cherry?!!! Wow! my feelings (just like any one else) are heightened in passionate moments, and in confrontation. So, why are those same feelings that are great in reminding me that I need to take cupcakes to the new mom, become strained and hurt feelings, during a confrontation? I am still a work in progress, but I may have a few suggestions on how to navigate hurt feelings.

Leadership and Servanthood: I am sure you have probably heard the joke about the guy who didn't want to go to church. He said it was boring and nobody liked him. His wife responds, "... but honey you have to go, YOU ARE THE PASTOR!" Ha-ha-ha.. that never gets old! Why? Well probably because it shows the humanity we all struggle with as leaders. But you know, Christian leadership is a different thing. It really is true servanthood. Philippians 2:5-7 says, "Your attitude should be that of Christ Jesus: Who being in very nature, God did not consider himself equal with God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness." Our Lord is telling us He humbled Himself to the point of humanity... to the point of being a servant. I know a pastor that started a church. As they grew, their staff became quite large and they moved into new offices. The staff was halfway joking about how the names should be placed on the sign. They were joking, but ever so slightly feelings were beginning to get hurt. What did the head pastor do? He put the names in some random order, and made sure he put his name at the bottom of the sign! Leadership in ministry is a dance of holding to what God has called you to do while always having a servant's heart. Time and again Jesus set the example of leading by serving. Not like a doormat, but someone who has enough confidence in himself to allow others to be a part of a giving community. Christian leadership is acknowledging the worth in others.

Pride vs Humility: Wouldn't it be great if I said pride has no place in ministry, then you agreed, and we moved on? Sometimes pride isn't that easy to shew away. Sometimes in the deepest part of your heart you are just sure your way is the best. It could be someone at church has made a cruel remark about you, or you don't feel heard, or something you cared so-so about is the new hill you are willing to die for because they attacked your character or something you care for. Time for a cheer! "U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi, it's ugly, it's ugly!" Pride says, "Up your nose with a rubber hose! I'll die on the issue of beige carpet verses brown carpet!!" Doesn't that just make you sick? Nothing about that situation screams Kumbiya(Lord come by me). Satan's radar pops up and has you all over the map; from justifying your position, to feeling like an unwanted martyr. Pride has you making plans to visit your mom the next three Sundays to get away from "those people"! How do you combat pride? You simply STOP!!! Pride is one sided. Pride puts one's needs and feelings above everyone else. It makes it hard to imagine that anyone could be hurting as much as you are. Why we can not control others' hurts and pride, we can change our own. We have to humble ourselves.

Humility is not weak, but is placing power in the right place. Humility, allows us to say we are a body of Christ. We need each other.Because we need each other, we need to humble ourselves and work things out. Philippians 2:3-4 put it this way, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also the interests of others." Now, maybe this is easy for you. You have a wide eyed view that makes it easy to do. If you feel this way it means you've been in the ministry for two whole weeks! :) (just kidding) Sometimes being in the ministry a long time can cause one to put a guard up due to past hurts. You want to know a secret? Stay in the ministry even longer, work at being a body of Christ, and you will see that guard drop. Because you will realize who the real head of that body is.

A couple of last thoughts... PRAY. When Christ was asked how many times should we forgive that person? He answered 70 times 7. Are your feelings hurt now? Then pray, and forgive the one who has hurt you. We are not meant to nurse hurt feelings. We are meant to give them over to God who will heal those hurts. Finally, remember the verse, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, and not for men." (Colossians 3:23 NIV) That way we can hold ourselves accountable and ask the most important question of all. Is God happy with the work He has given me to do? A yes to that question brings the best FEELING of all.

What about you? How do you keep hurt feelings from chipping away at your ministry?


"A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back." Proverbs 29:11